Determination!

From 10.31.07

I am determined to defeat these insecurities and jealousies. Yet I find myself fixated with what once was-looking for evidence of their togetherness, of what may have attracted him. Scanning the vast interconnections, I look at photographs and texts.
Do I still feel like I have to compete with her? Knowing that she is lonely, missing love that she lost and I found-does that make me worry that theirs was right? Or that ours may one day fade away like theirs?
I try to remind myself that I can't focus on that because it will just put energy into negativity instead of towards positive, encouraging flows.
How do I stop myself from checking myspace, blogs, photos? How do I stop myself from looking at other people and wondering how he knows them-through her? in-between she and I? How do I stop questioning his friendship? Being intimidated by this unknown number one? How will I ever be number one? Isn't that where I'm supposed to be?
Do I have too much time to sit and wonder and worry? I think I would have less time to fixate on these things if I kept myself busier with a job and friends-a life outside of this little "US" microcosm.
So I must take my stand from the beginning-I AM DETERMINED TO DEFEAT THESE INSECURITIES-because I will be a stronger person and they will not affect me anymore. My life will be better in many ways-romantically, career-wise, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, any kind of relationship. So I will repeat it again (a good note to end on): I AM DETERMINED TO DEFEAT THESE INSECURITIES!!!