Saturday, September 13, 2008


While wandering in Powell's last weekend, I found this poem. Dig it:

"On the Evening of a Wedding"
Graham Foust

One day love
is mere
manipulation.

Someone needs something.
You sing them
your song.

On another day love
is purely
a possession.

You want something
Someone paints
your picture.

You rock back and forth
between these days,
until a third day,
that day which
the world puts its mouth to yours.

The world's mouth is a church.

Your mouth, of course,
is a pictureless room
in which an afternoon's gods
get lost.

emerging emotions


["Gala of the Spheres" by Salvador Dali]
Tricked again into society's desire to define black and white, categorize and label people, places an things, I find myself grappling with conflicting thoughts and subsequent emerging emotions.

Is anything permanent? Specifically, is love? We are taught the Cinderella-meets-Prince Charming-happily ever after story. Meanwhile, many of us come from divorced parents with extensive step-families. Society bombards us with hyper-sexualized media...parents often rely on schools to teach their children about their bodies and sexual behaviors, while the schools do not provide enough information to answer questions, some enforcing abstinence-only sex education...And the youth are expected to make the "right" decisions and wait til marriage? So frequently education is left to peers and the media. With these contradictory messages, how can the younger generations form a healthy foundation to build relationships?

My questioning comes from wanderings in my mind-past relationships and how far my emotional development has evolved. Yet, it is an on-going evolution. Life constantly changes; therefore, how can I presume that I will remain stagnant? Enter here the importance of self-reflection, addressing these wanderings and curiosities.

Clashing desires I currently experience:
Cultivating a strong healthy partnership
Experimenting in a completely sexual, sensual way with a female

These desires call into question those traditional ideals of man + woman (heterosexuality) and monogamy (closed relationships). Is it possible to explore as part of a couple? Does the experimentation lead to a doomed relationship? No doubt it will cause a change, will call into question each others boundaries and comfort levels.

Remember: holding myself back will only cause suffering, not only for myself but also form my partner.

Is it worth the risk of losing someone? Does it necessarily mean the end of my partnership? How important is it to address my curiosities? Am I able to stay happy in a long term relationship? I have strong desires to grow as a person alongside a partner. Yet I am so young. Is this the voice of others, my super-ego? Outside influences even battle-peers marrying, elders asking what my intentions are...

I sometimes feel like I am half-blind and stumbling along, attempting to discover myself and my place in the world. Slowly but surely the image becomes clearer only to blur again.
I will find my way. I am uncovering it right now, day by day.

[written 8/31/08]

Monday, July 7, 2008

Musements


We communicate through words and picture-
different senses engaged to sustain friendship
Search for closeness in distance
while attempting to shed distance in closeness
Heal old and new and all the in-betweens
(because it is always the in-betweens)
Look for similar souls,
missing ones already found
Remain open-hearted and honest
Strive for peace

Saturday, July 5, 2008

All that Jazz







Some musicians are dancers, and Chick [Webb] was. You can dance with a lot of things besides your feet. Billy Strayhorn was another dancer-in his mind. He was a dance-writer. Chick Webb was a dance-drummer who painted pictures of dances with his drums. Way back, at the Cotton Club, we were always tailoring orchestrations to fit the dances. If you listen to the figures in some of Strayhorn's pieces, like "U.M.M.G.", those are dances-tap dances maybe-and you can't mistake what they essentially are. The reason why Chick Webb had such control, such command of his audiences at the Savoy Ballroom, was because he was always in communication with the dancers and felt it the way they did.

-Duke Ellington-
*as quoted in Dixon Gottschild's Waltzing in the Dark: African American Vaudeville and Race Politics in the Swing Era*




I was never convinced that the melting pot was an appropriate metaphor for the way in which people ought to come together....Even talk these days about a mosaic, to me, is still a little bit too static. My ideal of a democratic community is a jazz band. The reason being, of course, because it observes individuality; it allows the interplay between the individual and the community without that community gobbling up the individual or the individual somehow seizing center-stage. And one must be always open, listening to the unpredictable-especially given the moods of the musicians at a particular moment-but you always have your eye on something larger than you: the artistic achievement...that empowers other ordinary people...to enact, not simply allude to, a certain democratic sensibility.

-Cornel West-
*as quoted in Dixon Gottschild's Waltzing in the Dark: African American Vaudeville and Race Politics in the Swing Era*

Reminder of an Evolution


[ image care of artist Claire Vohman ]

Diamond rings...
...children...
...career...
How can one be sure of what to choose
or what to lose?
Friend
or foe?
Love
or lust?
Trust in the heart-
follow it's path!
Lessons to learn
along the way
Unsure
uncertain

but not ready to roll over
Self-absorbed
yet selfless
Insecure
but looking good
To compare to the past
will only delay the future
How long til I let go?
What do I really want to know?
Looking there when I should be looking HERE!
Just breathe
and relish in these blessings,
grow from these challenges
Do not give up!
Remember to appreciate who I am and what I have
and to share life's wonders with my fellow beings
Take time to reflect
Relax my mind a bit
from its constant buzzing about.
Release it all to the universe,
make room for new thoughts, emotions, experiences
as this ink serves as a reminder of an evolution.
*6.28.08*

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

...the beginning of a real education...


"Must we always teach with books? Let them look at the mountains and the stars above. Let them look at the beauty of the waters and the trees and the flowers on earth. They will then begin to think and to think is the beginning of a real education" -Daniel Polls-

Monday, May 19, 2008

Seaward ho!



Finally took my first trip to the Oregon Coast. Drove to Cannon Beach with Nick, Paul and HP Sauce. It was a gorgeous SUNNY day with whimsical blue skies and the drive there took us through some picturesque countrysides, mountains, and finally there we saw it-the Pacific Ocean rolling into not only a sandy but also a rocky shoreline! Breathtakingly cold water, mind you! I remember a roommate telling me about the two different types of beach: ones you swim in and ones you don't. I, at least, learned this lesson; Nick, Paul and HP, however, courageously braved the icy Pacific! A trick to try next time-go jogging in the hot sun and then dive in the sea...

Almost done with the private school after school daycare program gig, at least for the spring term. Not decided yet on staying on with that in the fall. Need to find a similarly paying job for more hours! What that is, please help me find out! In the meantime, searching for summer work and still on call for the nonprofit org.

Wish we could find our camera charger because our battery has died and we haven't taken photos in a couple months! I mean I got a slightly different hair cut that I want to show off here! Plus all the recent new places explored (the beach, waterfalls), sunny days at the park, new neighborhoods, new friends, etc. Putting out the camera charger locater vibes..
See you soon, folks...same bat time, same bat channel...

Thursday, March 27, 2008

"I think more people should pick up comic books and say, you know, maybe I don't have to be so gray all the time"


At the beginning of the month, I had started a post in response to the Wilamette Week's cover story (from 3/6/08). It featured a local who created a superhero identity for himself ( Zetaman, who stated the quote in the above title). He frequently patrols the streets of Portland with pepper spray, a Taser, and a metal baton (serving as protection for himself adn those in danger), a flashlight and a first aid kit. He frequently hands out food, hot beverages, clothing and blankets for the homeless. The article also mentioned that hundreds more real-life superheroes exist and can be found online, many on myspace. Some claim to have special or psychic powers while some just enjoy running around in a costume. The Portlander highlighted, however, inspired me. His selfless acts to better humanity (and have a little fun while doing it) serve as a example for myself (and the rest of us) to get out there in your community and help those around you. I have a strong desire to do just that, some how and in some way(s) during my lifetime. I truly meant to pontificate on this article at the beginning of the month, however I got so caught up in my situation and surroundings....
...At this point in my life, I'm at a transition...and I find myself stressed out. Just having moved to a new place all on my own (at least regarding parental assistance) and with a relatively new partner, I find myself struggling in long-forgotten loneliness, unfamiliar surroundings, and other discomforts. I have let myself react badly to these stressors lately: often getting frustrated and overwhelmed with fears and insecurities and taking it out on the one closest to me. Which is not fair, but human.
Things have cleared up a bit though: paychecks have come, and helping hands have appeared to make sure I/we do not fall face down on the cold, wet pavement of Portland. And I have enjoyed some jolly good fun and met some people and participated in some social interactions too. One of my longest friends (in fact I think the longest) just came to visit me last weekend, which was so great! I even got to meet her friend (who in turn introduced us to another friend). We got to explore more of Portland together and it was so nice to be around someone who I have such a history with.
So I must remind myself to stay positive in my mind and heart and to keep them open...to hang in there...to let go of fears and insecurities and embrace new experiences...to love myself more and more each day...to breathe...to stretch...to run, dance, swim, play, sing...to put myself in someone else's shoes...
...On my way to becoming my own real-life superhero!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

2008 State of the Universe Address




I read this article in a free healthy living publication and felt the need to share it with others. I really enjoyed the author's witty way to get an important message across. Please read on and take to heart...

2008 State of the Universe Address
by Swami Beyondananda

Swami Predicts Heart Times Ahead

Every year at this time, I am asked to make predictions, and each time I politely refuse because I don’t want to jeopardize my nonprophet status. But this year is different. With 2012 just one quantum leap year away, we humans might finally be ready for a quantum leap of our own. The message is coming in loud and clear. Time to shift or get off the pot.

In order to upshift our karma into surpassing gear, however, we must shift our awareness downward from the static of the head to the ecstatic of the heart. If we are to have an awakening instead of a wake, I predict heart times ahead.

Disheartenment in the Heartland

Heartenment, after all, is just the thing to counteract the disheartenment in the heartland. Take the economy -- please! After years of untreated Deficit Inattention Disorder, the U.S. dollar is now worth less than a dollar of Monopoly money. As the most recent Greenspan report tells us, the average American family barely has enough green to span the average month. Meanwhile, trickle down economics has proved true to its name, leaving a growing class of pee-ons at the bottom.

Then there’s electile dysfunction. Instead of transparency around how votes are cast and counted, we have an apparent trance. The secret ballot has been taken to the next level, and now voting machines with secret software count the votes in secret. This is called “faith-based” vote counting. Hey, some of those new “smart” voting machines are so smart, that they don’t even need voters! This makes perfect sense because government of, by and for the people has now been efficiently transformed to government of, by and for the very, very few people. Talk about minority representation. We are now governed by a smaller minority than ever in our history!

Even when we do manage to get an election, the body politic still suffers from impotence. As we learned after the 2006 election, just because we vote for someone doesn’t mean they are going to vote for us. Instead of canceling the Iraqi Horror Picture Show, the Democratic misleadership has gone along with the same basic neocon con, only with a cosmetic makeover – sort of a wolfawitz in sheepawitz’s clothing.

Though the upwising continues, irony deficiency and truth decay still plague the body politic. Instead of forums that shine light on political issues, the media has encouraged againstums where incendiary phrases spark heated arguments. So, while red tribe Republicans and blue tribe Democrats argue whether it’s wronger to kill the born or the unborn, the born keep dying while the not-yet-born are stuck with the bill. No wonder our moral compass has gone south.

As if global warring isn’t enough to worry about, now there’s global warming. It would be sad indeed to have come this far, only to see the headline: “Human Race Ends In a Dead Heat.”

No wonder so many people are scared shiftless. The good news is, this is the State of the Universe Address and I am happy to report that the state of the Universe is copasetic – ever changing, same as always. This is particularly heartening when we realize that that universal state is also our own.

Universe Knows Best

When it comes to universal wisdom, you can’t beat the Universe. First of all, the Universe is everywhere all at once. Talk about being on top of things. Even as it keeps expanding, the Universe has it together -- which means, as part of the universe, a part of us has it all together too. We are inextricably connected to the Universe. It is inescapable. Without the Universe, we’d be nowhere.

Here is more amazing news. We are all descended from the same Big Bang! When the Big Bang went boom, all of the Universe’s parts departed from one particle. And that includes us. So, we might as well proclaim it proudly. “The Big Bang is my pop. Well, I’ll be a son of a gun!”

The Big Bang is everybody’s pop, which means we are all related. If we are indeed a fractal chip off the old block, Universe-wise ... then somewhere we must be as wise as the Universe. For millennia, spiritual teachers have told us to look inside for this universal wisdom. It turns out, they were right. The real spiritual pilgrimage is actually a journey of about twenty-four inches, roughly the distance from the head to the heart.

The Heart of the Matter is the Matter of the Heart

Yes, everyone is equipped to attune to universal wisdom because everyone has been given a heart. And yet, the heart seems to be the last gift we open. The most underdeveloped resource on the planet is the treasure inside our own treasured chest! Given all the craziness in the world, maybe if we invested in expanding our hearts, we’d have less need to shrink our heads.

And less of a need to be so all-consumed by consumerism. We have learned to spend so much energy pursuing happiness that we never stop to think what would happen if we actually caught it -- or rather, if it caught us. With all this hot pursuit, we have left real happiness in the dust. It is sad indeed that we end up jealous that someone else’s happiness might be bigger than our own. Freud called this “happiness envy.”

As the saying goes, money can’t buy happiness, although it can buy anti-depressants. But if you are seeking more out of life than not being depressed, the key to happiness is to grow your own. Every one of us should be asking, “What good am I?” What good can I add to the greater goodness? Maybe if we had greater goodness, we’d need fewer goods. As human beings, our biggest asset is love, so now is the time to get up off our big fat assets, and practice supply-side spirituality. Because we aren’t here to earn God’s love, we are here to spend it. We are here to re-grow the Garden from the grassroots up, and have a heaven of a time doing it!

Heartland Security

Now while the solution is simple, no one said it was going to be easy. Just as the human potential movement has made great gains over the past 25 years, the inhuman potential movement has more than kept up. Everywhere I go, the little David’s I meet all ask the same question: How can we get Goliath to go lieth down? I have good news and I have other news, and they are both the same: It’s up to us. We must lead ourselves out of the bewilderness. Yes, we’ve been politically abused, so the first step is to disabuse ourselves. We must start overseeing instead of overlooking.

By overlooking what we should have been overseeing, we have become enablers for the lowest common dominator. Whether it’s called globalization or gobble-ization, it’s the same old mining operation -- that’s mine, that’s mine, that’s mine. Because we’ve allowed ourselves to imagine that someday that “mine” will be ours, we have agreed to a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy with our government. We promise not to ask them what they are doing, and they promise not to tell us. That way, we can pretend to believe we are invading a country to keep the peace, when we are really there to keep the pieces.

Meanwhile, back at home, they’ve given last rites to the Bill of Rights, and newspeak has become the new spoken language of the mainstream media. Now before we just shrug and say, “Orwell, what can we do about it?” we need to see the only way to overgrow Big Brother is with bigger brotherhood -- and even bigger sisterhood. Time to heal our spiritual dyslexia, and realize our natural state is sacred, not scared. The scared masculine and the scared feminine have given us the dysfunctional dance of abusers and enablers. Now we must empower the sacred masculine and sacred feminine to come together and conceive what has been inconceivable – the truly evolved human.

We need to amplify the love and light to counterbalance the darkness and fear, and that is why we need a nongovernmental Department of Heartland Security to secure the heartland and let the powers in power know in no uncertain terms, “Bigger brotherhood is watching you.”

To do that, we must migrate en masse --regardless of political or spiritual affiliation -- to the land of the heart. Instead of squabbling over the differences that separate us, we must cohere around the heart-core values we share in common. That is the only way we can trade our insecurity for inner security. No matter where we stand on climate change, one thing is clear. Global heartwarming is bound to change the political climate for the better.

Whatever the problems, we have the wherewithal to address them. Now all we need is the aware-with-all. Whether you call yourself a creationist or an evolutionist, or take the simplest approach of all to the Great Unknown -- not knowing -- one thing is undeniable: We are all one with the same One. The story of separation, survival of the fittest, and lowest common dominator --that is the old story.

Only we have the power to close the book on the old story once and for all, by declaring: And they all lived happily ever after.

And happily ever after begins now.

© Copyright 2008 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved. To find our Swami’s schedule and get a free catalogue, call toll free (800) SWAMI-BE or visit him online at www.wakeuplaughing.com.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC!!


This goes out to lovely wondrous music and all that it has to offer to humankind. It paints pictures, it soothes, allows for escape, rallies, unites, creates happiness...
It means so much to me. I LOVE MUSIC! I include here a poem forwarded to me. I also give a shout out to Vagabond Opera who provided a supercalifragilisticexpealidociuos Valentines Day evening, along with their opener, the Portland Cello Project. Such an amazingly fun, enchanted, spectacular spectacular noche!
So here's the poem...



"Maybe I Will Remember" ~ Michelle Tyson
Fetch your violin.
Play the scent of rhododendron
Beside a shady mountain stream
That murmurs the secrets of the universe
In a language I knew
Once.
Play the elegance of Koi
Probing water lily stems.
Play the mystery at the heart of air
And fire
And water
And earth.
Maybe I will remember...

Make the strings
Coo, lilt, plead, whimper, wail, sob.
Take me into frozen country
Where the howl of wolf is heard for miles
Through the icy mountains.
Take me to the shore
Where the waves reach
Over and over
For the dancing feet of plover
Take me to the ancient star encrusted silver birch
Where the owl holds court
Hurling the cry
Of another galaxy
Into the black bottomless void.
Take me to the place where I began to
Realize that the dazzling light was I
Coming to embrace myself.
Maybe I will remember...

Take out your violin!
Play!
Play!
Maybe I will remember why I am here.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

In Loving Memory


Such a grace
has passed along
to another domain
It is times like these
where I feel I can believe in a higher power
I have not reflected enough upon this
and it washes over me
a perfect moment of complete cathartic solitude
Sing me those lonely tunes
my heart skips not once
just slow compassionate beats
Such gracious wisdom
bursting out from each bittersweet ink and paper memento
Always so elegant and genuine
I miss you
I feel your presence and my heart surges on more strongly than before
How I wish I could have more moments
yet I will never forget such a glorious woman
My sweet Eileen

*written 8/20/07*
RIP Eileen Lykes

Saturday, January 19, 2008


Flooded with tangled emotions
I attempt to comb through the knots within
Our pasts returning to churn up familiar anxieties
I knew she was making false claims to you-
ashamed though of my insecure detective work
I am fascinated and envious all at the same time
Why can't she go away?
Inside I know I wish for my heart to be stronger
rather than for this past lifetime of yours to go away
My own past also reappears
happy and nervous-
Such tumultuous memories
Yet I need to reconnect,
to become friends again
as the people we are now,
what we have become since our bitter end...
But not the end-a chance for a reconnection,
a chance to straighten out emotions
All of this flying,
racing through my brain
like obsessions
Just let me sleep

[from 1/16/08]

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Bathroom epiphany 1.15.08


Just live life
instead of waiting for life to happen
Bathroom epiphany
Growing independently stronger
TOGETHER
Dream your dreams
Learn to not expect
and the unexpected may come
Attractions
Interactions
empathetic souls connecting
Relish in the similarities and differences that create such a spectrum of beauty
Embrace the good and positive
but sing out the blues
Radiate in your warm environments
and strive to appreciate them when you feel cold
Let go
and LIVE
and LOVE
and LEARN
S t r e t c h out as you ground yourself firmly