emerging emotions

["Gala of the Spheres" by Salvador Dali]
Tricked again into society's desire to define black and white, categorize and label people, places an things, I find myself grappling with conflicting thoughts and subsequent emerging emotions.

Is anything permanent? Specifically, is love? We are taught the Cinderella-meets-Prince Charming-happily ever after story. Meanwhile, many of us come from divorced parents with extensive step-families. Society bombards us with hyper-sexualized media...parents often rely on schools to teach their children about their bodies and sexual behaviors, while the schools do not provide enough information to answer questions, some enforcing abstinence-only sex education...And the youth are expected to make the "right" decisions and wait til marriage? So frequently education is left to peers and the media. With these contradictory messages, how can the younger generations form a healthy foundation to build relationships?

My questioning comes from wanderings in my mind-past relationships and how far my emotional development has evolved. Yet, it is an on-going evolution. Life constantly changes; therefore, how can I presume that I will remain stagnant? Enter here the importance of self-reflection, addressing these wanderings and curiosities.

Clashing desires I currently experience:
Cultivating a strong healthy partnership
Experimenting in a completely sexual, sensual way with a female

These desires call into question those traditional ideals of man + woman (heterosexuality) and monogamy (closed relationships). Is it possible to explore as part of a couple? Does the experimentation lead to a doomed relationship? No doubt it will cause a change, will call into question each others boundaries and comfort levels.

Remember: holding myself back will only cause suffering, not only for myself but also form my partner.

Is it worth the risk of losing someone? Does it necessarily mean the end of my partnership? How important is it to address my curiosities? Am I able to stay happy in a long term relationship? I have strong desires to grow as a person alongside a partner. Yet I am so young. Is this the voice of others, my super-ego? Outside influences even battle-peers marrying, elders asking what my intentions are...

I sometimes feel like I am half-blind and stumbling along, attempting to discover myself and my place in the world. Slowly but surely the image becomes clearer only to blur again.
I will find my way. I am uncovering it right now, day by day.

[written 8/31/08]