Originally inspired...

Image created by Jodi Frye (titled These Dreams)


From 11.11.07

Originally inspired
attempting to understand the
misunderstood
Wanting to better be aware of my conscience/s
subconscious
causes my consciousness
but be cautious!
Live modest-
somewhere in the middle
Find comfort between the extremes-
Is that not what all of us strive for?
"Behold the spectrums!"
Lessons learned in art class
shades and hues serve as our tangent examples
Teach to learn
Learn to teach
What practice do I preach?
Reach out!
Must extend past the invisible boundaries within
Must explore more
in this physical world
"Action! Action!
Quiet on the set!"
we simply must have our goals met
at a certain time
Act your age!
Go where you want
but go here
if you please
Wait what if I fancy
discovering directions
rather than asking for them
...Training to dispel fears
to disregard concerns
Gathering strength
Participant-observer-
an oxymoronic paradigm
...To live by?
...or TO LIVE BY!
Ways of life
Life ways
Husband and wife
children then grandchildren
How conscious are we when we make decisions
Do we acknowledge our subconscious?
...recognize our conscience?
"Give me passion!"
No teach me to cultivate my dreams
put them out to sea
"Bon voyage!"
Bienvenido al viaje hacio lo desconocido
aqui y ahora mismo

Determination!

From 10.31.07

I am determined to defeat these insecurities and jealousies. Yet I find myself fixated with what once was-looking for evidence of their togetherness, of what may have attracted him. Scanning the vast interconnections, I look at photographs and texts.
Do I still feel like I have to compete with her? Knowing that she is lonely, missing love that she lost and I found-does that make me worry that theirs was right? Or that ours may one day fade away like theirs?
I try to remind myself that I can't focus on that because it will just put energy into negativity instead of towards positive, encouraging flows.
How do I stop myself from checking myspace, blogs, photos? How do I stop myself from looking at other people and wondering how he knows them-through her? in-between she and I? How do I stop questioning his friendship? Being intimidated by this unknown number one? How will I ever be number one? Isn't that where I'm supposed to be?
Do I have too much time to sit and wonder and worry? I think I would have less time to fixate on these things if I kept myself busier with a job and friends-a life outside of this little "US" microcosm.
So I must take my stand from the beginning-I AM DETERMINED TO DEFEAT THESE INSECURITIES-because I will be a stronger person and they will not affect me anymore. My life will be better in many ways-romantically, career-wise, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, any kind of relationship. So I will repeat it again (a good note to end on): I AM DETERMINED TO DEFEAT THESE INSECURITIES!!!

Care of Ms. Patsy Cline

Notes from a free music show at The Wigwam Golf Resort and Spa 10.21.07 with the band Rondavous:

"Crazy" originally by Patsy Cline
...reminds me of the recent pasts
and haunting reminders of the fickleness of love.
...makes me hope that this will be the one to endure the tests of life and time
and fear the past to repeat itself

mindfuck

10.15.02 v.2
Ashamed
intrigued
sickeningly fascinated
obsessively fixated
Wanting to understand
Seeking answers but to what questions?
Nothing but anxieties keep feeding each time she crosses my mind

Almost certain that you and she are through enough on your terms
but still I check to see what she says,
scanning amidst her public personal life

All throughout this year I have wondered and been reminded of her-
each time like a needle stabbing my heart-
"BEFORE IS NO MORE!" it cries,
trying to convince my insides.
Yet each photograph,
each glass,
each place we go,
each friend we meet,
every day (!)
she screams out:
"I WAS HERE! HE WAS MINE! WE WERE JUST FINE! LOOK AT US! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT OUR PUPPIES! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY FAMILY! DO YOU WANNA COMPETE WITH ME? HOW COULD THIS BE? OH WOE IS ME!"
Or is that just what I think I should see?

conversations with myself

Sculpture by Lorri Acott-Fowler (also titled "Conversations with Myself")

10.15.07
Take each of these heart-sickening reminders,
staring at you
watching you
as you churn anxieties, fears and doubts through your brain
and seek out information for what?
To prove to the weatherman that these stormclouds will overcome?
NO!
Instead let's prove there ain't nothin but sunshine, cool breezes and rainbows in the forecast!

Dwelling on near and far pieces of the past-
what will that get you?
A stomach full of knots and a face wrinkled with lines that depict each troublesome thought for all to see?

You believe in it
You throw yourself into it
loving almost as much as you possibly can
Yet you let these gray clouds hover over your head and hold yourself

"Just keep a little distance
in case this is not real"
But it is REAL
and so go for it-let go and go forward!
In due time the past will not seem so recent and threatening
Keep your head up!
Head strong!
Allow for graceful blue sky presence in your present
And LOVE LOVE LOVE
not just him
not just them
but most importantly the person within

Recent Attempt at Poetry Post 1

10.12.07
So how does one know
if the other is playing for keeps?
The uncertainty of an answer
causes a sea of emotional distress to roll and crash along shore

At times when one decides to be selfish, selfless or just plain foolish
how can one be sure that the voice to listen to sings truth,
Or fantasy,
Or detachment and reason,
Or bleeding-heart rationale?

When someone else's happiness intermingles with one's own
what tangled lifestyles unfold
Torn in moments like these-
between oneself
and that sparkling vision of "US!"
A longing found
in most everyone's hearts
Anyone who has the desire to FEEL the beauty and joy love brings

Someone forgot to warn of the fear, the uncertainties within oneself,
blurring one's sight just as easily as the warm rosy rays of "US!"

Some kind of balance must be found among the gray, dreary forebodings
and the sunshine elations of romance
One must bloom into even greater BEING
transform and transcend
side-by-side
separate but together
twisting paths toward the future
alongside each other

Shadowy hesitations and haunting paranoias must cease to exist,
to no longer worry over!
For that ultimately nurtures a negative air around oneself
a cloud over one's head.
Be honest, optimistic conscious of what is present in the PRESENT!

For what it's worth
I would like to thank you ramblings
as I swim into a type of clarity
a kind of destiny
some sort of new adventure
a journey to explore enlightenment